Saturday, February 14, 2009

The loves of my life and cycles of abuse

All our ice and snow melted over the past week. Last night changed all that. We got at least 5 or 6 inches. It is very beautiful, as you can see. I took two photos from our front door and two photos from our back door last night after it stopped snowing. We were glad we didn't have any place we needed to be because the roads were very slick, and there were many accidents yesterday.

All is well here with us though and we are grateful. Camden came home safely this morning after spending the night at a friend's for the first time. His friend woke up at 1 a.m. to play his Gameboy and accidentally woke Camden up. Then Camden wanted to come home. Cliff and I were sleeping really good and didn't hear the phone ring. We felt terrible when we got that news. But all worked out. Next time we'll remember to put the phone by the bed.

Cliff made breakfast this morning for the boys and their friends, while I slept in until 8:30! They all woke up early today. And I was so happy to just stay in bed. Normally I would have got up, but I didn't sleep well last night and no one came in to wake me. It was heavenly. The cold and dark days have been making me want to hibernate lately. It is nice to just let my body do what it wants.

I remember forcing myself out of bed lots of times when the kids needed water, to nurse, wet the bed, or were sick. Those days are few and far between right now. I'm not bragging, just somewhat relieved that we made it through the hard times. But I couldn't have done it without the support of my husband. He has always been a very loving father, except for a few times when he needed to be mothered too. We all have our moments. I know I couldn't be the mother I am now, if Cliff didn't push me to be better. And my boys always push me to be my best. They deserve it too!

I'll never be perfect, and I know I have made mistakes. I'm so grateful to be forgiven and loved anyway. Just the other day Camden made a point of asking me in the car one day if I remember when I used to be mean. We all laughed so hard, even Cliff laughed. But at the time when I was struggling, it wasn't funny. I still have days when I try to control too much or yell too much. But most days are not too grumpy. And I feel like I am way over the hump of breaking the cycle of abuse and dysfunction from my own childhood. It is a hard battle to wage, but well worth effort.

I'm not always as present or in tune as I would like, but I am here and trying. We only get once chance at being parents. And I don't want to mess it up.

Love to all and many wishes for happiness!

~Heather xoxox


Snavleys said...

Life is such a grand experience isn't it? Sometimes the kids will remind me of something I did in the past that makes me cringe; you just have to remember that it all makes us who we are. It's when we aren't willing to grow and change that it gets scary. Thank you for sharing and being so honest- love reading your posts.

Heather's Moving Castle said...

Thank you, Heidi for being my friend. ;o)

I just updated my blog today to Kev's new essay. I couldn't open the old one. I can't wait to meet you all in May! I know you'll be there, right?