Homeschooling for Goofballs
Tired of questions/comments about why you're distinctly NOT starting school this week? Yearn to relate to the kids down the road? Here are a few suggestions:
Count to ten in garbled Pig Latin. Wax poetic. Wax the floor and then slip around in your socks. Dangle a participle or two. See how many sentences you can end with a preposition. Go on a quest for that ever-elusive socialization (hints: wear clothes, don't drool, if possible avoid barking and licking people, DON'T bring a purple crayon.) Sit in a row, stand in a line, pee with permission - just to see how the other side lives. Drizzle glue on a mustache-shaped anything; stick under nose or above lip, whichever is most convenient; do a wee dance. Procrastinate with gusto. When speaking insert the word "like" every third or forth word. Speak very slowly and make every phrase you utter sound like a question? Insist on coloring within the lines until you fall off your chair/fall off to sleep/go into a coma. Fry eggs in a purple tutu. Eat them very very fast so you don't miss imaginary bus. Bleat like a sheep (if you are a vegetarian bleat like a nice, conformist broccoli.) Glance furtively at grandma until she casts you a withering look. Call your Aunt Mildred. Roll yourself into a ball and suck your toes with your baby brother/sister. Twirl your nose ring to see if it improves your eyesight. Make your own dress code; revise it daily; feel the magic. Stitch things together then rip apart as a character building exercise (perhaps complete this task before attempting quest for socialization.) Read a book you don't like. Read another. And another. Be happy about it. Say ketchup over and over again until you feel dizzy. Drool pretty-colored spittle down your chin after eating water ice at a non-designated time. Rhyme things with sheep (or lamb if you're squeamish.) Suck cream out of donuts in local Wawa; put them back when someone's looking. (perhaps avoid this pastime if you are contemplating above-suggested quest for socialization.) Stare down your cat. Start a yipping contest with your dog. Worry about disgruntled giraffe but only on Tuesdays at 10am. Avoid speaking to anyone outside your age group between 7am and 4pm unless it's a designated adult. Draw faces on the undersides of your toes. Soak feet in jello. Try to make sense of it all. When you feel the urge to say something, wave your hand in the air and squeak and/our bounce until someone says your name. Compare apples to oranges. Squish your sandwich to get that organic lunch-traveled-to-school-via-book-filled-backpack experience. (PB&J works best.) Practice cool-sounding karate noises. Yodel in desperately mismatched socks. Sweep marbles and hairballs around the kitchen floor. Stifle feelings of utility without yawning, crossing your eyes or shaking your head. Catch bugs on tongue and chew thoughtfully (see bleating exercise above for vegetarian suggestion.*) Crinkle your nose at warp speed. Cultivate a lifelong interest in wienerschnitzle. Visualize Engelbert Humperdinck. Read A Fiddler's Foot and Other Folktales. Whistle Dixie with a kazoo. Don't laugh, giggle, squirm, sing, gloat, simmer, bubble or boil unless someone insists. Remember to set time limit for every activity. When time is up STOP and leave task hanging in midair like a long-forgotten fart.
*you may substitute an obliging cruciferous vegetable of choice.