Thursday, July 17, 2008
Never ever give up
For every time in my life that I wanted to give up, I have had at least double that many times in my life that I wish would never end.
Most people don't know that much about my child hood. I don't dwell on it much now. But at the time there were days that I felt really lonely and sad. My mom did the best she could to raise me, but she was busy trying to find her true love for most of my life. She was not always unhappy. She did get a lot of help raising me from her mom. When I was 14 my mom had a major breakdown and put my sister and I into a girl's home in Houston, TX about half an hour from where we were living with our mom and grandmother. At the time I was very upset by this, but later it turned out to be the best thing she could have done for me. I was failing 9th grade at the time, and I ended up passing high school only six months late. I even earned a small scholarship.
Through out my life I had some moments that I wanted to give up! But I was glad I didn't because I never could have known the beauty or adventure around the next bend. For instance, after Holden was born I had terrible postpartum depression for at least a year. And I went through the same thing with Camden. There were days and months that I wasn't sure I would live or that my marriage would survive. I was not always a joy to be with. We were suffering financially as well.
I guess looking back, it all seems silly to me that I would have ever wanted to give up on anything. But at the time it was H!E!L!L!! Right now I am feeling completely grateful to be alive and to have so many wonderful opportunities that I never saw before, because I was so focused on doom and gloom. The more I learn to be grateful and thankful for all, the more I can see that even the hard times can bring about positive experiences. I learned a lot over the past 35 years about myself.
I have always known I was a strong person and have been well liked and loved. Last week, I went on a mission to find more about who I am and who I am related to.
Most people know I went to meet my biological father, Cameron's family in Maine recently. I had three siblings I hadn't met before. I found out three years ago that Cameron died when I was 19. It was such a great experience meeting them and their mom, Sandy, and two nephews. Many wonderful things came out of my meeting them. They are a huge inspiration to me.
I was hugely disappointed that I never got to meet Cameron. But I am glad I never gave up on finding more about him, although it took a lot longer than I had expected. Sandy, found a library of videos from Cameron's childhood and other videos throughout her life and the life of her children. She even had a video from their last family vacation in 1991. She sat with me and explained most of the videos. I watched a few without her. It was really awesome to see Cameron on video and to see their lives over the years.
Life is so precious and wonderful, even in moments of quiet desperation. So to anyone out there thinking of giving up on dreams, life, or yourself--NEVER EVER GIVE UP! You never know who or what may be waiting for you around the next bend. Maybe just maybe, if you dream big enough, love yourself and others hard enough, it will be all worth it.
Peace and love to all,