Living for Ourselves

Today's Daily OM made me realize how much I have changed over the years and how much inner work I still have to do. Yesterday I watched a small on-line video about three of the presidential candidates. They were speaking about how their fathers have shaped who they are as politicians. It was interesting to hear their experiences and how it motivates them. Here's the link for anyone interested: http://video.yahoo.com/watch/2141663/6763917 It is very relevant to this Daily OM. (I have more to say at the end).

Daily OM Living For Ourselves: Trying To Please Others

Most of us come to a point in our lives when we question why we are doing what we are doing, and many of us come to realize that we may be living our lives in an effort to make our parents happy. This realization can dawn when we are in our 20s, our 40s, or even later, depending upon how tight a hold our family of origin has on our psyche. We may feel shocked or depressed by this information, but we can trust that it is coming to us at this time because we are ready to find out what it would mean to live our lives for ourselves, following the call of our own soul, and refusing any longer to be beholden to someone else’s expectations. One of the most common reasons we are so tied into making our parents, or others, happy, is that we were not properly mirrored when we were children. We were not honored as individuals in our own right, with a will and purpose of our own, to be determined by our own unfolding. As a result, we learned to look outside of ourselves for approval, support, and direction rather than look within. The good news is that the part of us that was not adequately nurtured is still there, inside us, like a seed that has not yet received the sunlight and moisture it needs to open and to allow its inner contents to unfurl. It is never too late to provide ourselves with what we need to awaken this inner being.There are many ways to create a safe container for ourselves so that we can turn within and shine the light of awareness there. We may join a support group, go to therapy, or start a practice of journaling every day for half an hour. This experience of becoming is well worth the difficult work that may be required of us to get there. In whatever process we choose, we may feel worse before we feel better, but we will ultimately find out how to live our lives for ourselves and how to make ourselves happy.

I can't say I am motivated by any parental force. I can say if I ever have been motivated to please someone other than myself it usually ended in disappointment. I like to give with no strings or expectations attached. When I expect something in return, that is when things get tricky. I try really hard to keep it real. I know my kids motivate me a lot. But I don't expect them to be wowed or praise me. I love to please them just for the shear joy of it and because I love them. This morning though I could feel myself getting off balance. So, I had to shift my energy to getting myself back in tune. Camden is taking a long nap this afternoon and I went on a walk by myself. I love to please myself, but bringing happiness to others gives me much honor. I try to incorporate mutual happiness when possible. I love to cook and other people benefit, too.

I am motivated to be a better parent than what I was raised with. That is a huge motivator to me. Being around other parents who share this philosophy and to see how their children have benefited in the long run is a wonderful testimony to my labor. My goal as a parent is to raise children who know how to be happy. I know so many people who spend most of their lives trying to find their groove. Myself included. I don't want that for my children. I also don't want my children to become addicts. That is something my mother and other people I know have had to overcome, or try to overcome. In addition to fighting addictions I see many unhappy people who try to bring other people down. Giving my kids the childhood they deserve by letting them be children, I feel I am giving them a fair shot at a happy life.

I still struggle with demons of the past and impulses to get my kids to be a certain way. But it doesn't take me long to feel the pain and energy drain of living that way. Although I will say there are times I just want some quiet time and I am getting better saying it nicely and finding ways to be creative so everyone gets what they need.

A side note--I am starting to feel a little nervous about all the changes coming up soon. I will have to find my groove again, but I know I will be so glad to have my husband home to help me with our boys. I go back and forth between feeling like I will want to lock myself away for a week alone, cry in Cliff's arms, or just start going crazy. But I just try to tell myself I am strong and look how great I have done with out him. Cliff keeps telling me how proud he is of me and how much he appreciates all my efforts. It means a lot to hear it. Although I don't expect it.

Here's to living for ourselves, our kids, and to much inner peace.