The sun will come out tomorrow

I'm an "Annie" fan. The past few weeks have felt like hell. But that famous Annie song came to mind today. Unfortunately, it took something really sad and painful to happen to change our (my) outlook. Over the course of the weekend I lost the baby in my belly due to a miscarriage. We did a lot of crying and hugging and some yelling at times. It was not pretty. It was not easy. It was painful and emotional. But somehow Cliff and I were able to step back from the divorce talk and appreciate what we have right now more than ever. We are upset about losing the baby and it is tough when we see other babies out in public. I hope this doesn't seem cold-- maybe this was for the best somehow. I was really scared about how I was going to care for an infant while Cliff was in Iraq. I was scared about bringing a baby into a divorce situation. I may seem really strong and capable, but inside I am very weak. I will never forget the little person who was growing inside of me. We will always wonder what my/our life will be missing because they are not here.

I asked Holden (5) tonight if he was sad about the baby in my belly not being here anymore. He said he was not because he still has his cat, Pebbles. He knows Cliff and I are sad. I think he felt guilty for not being sad even though I didn't shame him because afterward he said we're all sad in this house. But he said he is o.k. because he has his cat. But we're going on with our lives and not sitting around moping. What else can we do? We don't want pity. We don't want to wallow in our pain. We are mourning in our own ways. I have cried so many times and will continue to grieve. But I will not let this destroy me. I feel I have already wasted the past few weeks very bitter and frustrated. And now I feel I have no choice but to try to learn from this experience and grow.

I can't say for sure how losing the baby will impact the way Cliff and I interact with one another in the long run. But the past few days we tried really hard to go easy on each other and quit berating and belittling. We were stuck in a terrible rut. And maybe somehow this loss has given us a wake up call to try harder to be friends and not enemies.

Well the tears are going to flow again and I need to get to bed. I am beat from a busy day. Cliff went back to Nebraska today and the kids and I will be busy tomorrow running a few errands we need to take care of in the morning. We are expecting another winter storm mid-week. Fun, fun! The ice and snow storm we had this past weekend was very beautiful and is still pasted on many the trees. But many people were and still are without power. Spring where are you? Yes, I know "the sun will come out tomorrow" (or soon). I hope our bad luck doesn't rub off on anyone. I do believe our thoughts are our reality! May your thoughts be lovely and your lives continue to be an inspiration to us. You know who you all are! Much love. xoxoxo

Photos: 1. view from the back deck looking at the SW corner of our backyard; 2. Camden and Holden with our beloved Pebbles; 3. view of our driveway from our front door; 4. one of the squirrels we like to leave food for. He's on our back deck eating some bread.