White New Year's Eve

We had our first real snow of the season. I don't have pictures to prove it though. Darn! It was a nice gift to us all. Holden had lots of fun playing in it with friends and by himself. Camden played in it some as well. We don't have the right winter gear for hard core snow play. We have lost a lot of things and Holden is funny about what he'll wear. It was all sunny and sparkly white outside today. It will all melt soon though; we didn't get more than an inch or two. The moon is out tonight and I love the way snow looks in the moonlight. The weather has been decent overall here for awhile. We have been so grateful! Maybe this will be an easy winter. I remember when I was pregnant with Camden and due in early October. I dreaded the summer. Well it was one of the most mild summers I can remember and an easy time to be pregnant.

Holden has become very independent the past few weeks. On one hand I feel sad and on another hand I know it is a good thing. He says he's going to be bigger when the baby comes and be able to help me. He knows I am nervous about a baby coming. Camden is extremely busy and active and I have so many fears about having another baby. I had the same fears when I was pregnant before. They all worked out with time. I know all will be o.k. but I am still working on calming those fears.

Mentally I feel a lot more positive. Physically I feel a little better. Food is a problem--getting it down and keeping it down. For the most part I try to eat as much as I can then lay down in bed until I know it has settled. I'm just trying to keep a routine and stick to it.

Cliff headed back to Nebraska tonight. I made him promise to come home every weekend. He did then he said if he has to work on Saturday he'll still come home that night. Good heavens! I know all this was part of a plan to get on the road. I just didn't know it was going to be soooo hard. Not that I want to give up. I have been feeling alone and needy way too much. And the kids have had the worst of my crankiness. Holden told Cliff I am as mean a tornado sometimes. He told me that too. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have cried in my life. But I think part of it is hormones. Part of it is feeling scared and overwhelmed.

I am hopeful about this year. Last year was not too terrible either. I hope you all know I appreciate the warm vibes and kind wishes. It has meant a lot. And those of you with blogs--I enjoy reading them. It gives me so much to look forward to with my family and hope for the future of next generations. Best wishes to all!